Haley Wallace Phillips
3 min readFeb 2, 2022

--

Is it depression or am I just worthless?

Trigger warning: mental health.

It feels like somebody’s trying to break me. News alert, that’s already happened. I’m in the darkest place I’ve ever been in — in my life. If you ever knew me or could see a movie of my life, you’d know I’ve been in really dark places before. And I know it’s a cliché to say I’m in a dark place but I feel like I’m at the bottom of the pit of rock bottom. That’s so fucked though, bc I have so much love in my life but I still don’t feel like I have anything. Sometimes I think that I should’ve died young and that I’ve lived past my due date. I’m not supposed to be this old, I still feel 18. I don’t know how I got 29 years under my belt and didn’t do anything with any of it.

I feel like I’m way too aware of everything: I used to be oblivious and able to live my life unknowing of the ugliness. But now everything is so glaringly real that I can’t handle it. Everything is piling up. I don’t know why I took on so much when I know that I can’t do it. I know that I can’t get myself to get out of bed and do these things — I’m too worthless. I throw one of these pity parties for myself every single night and tonight I felt like writing it down for some reason. It’s always the same. I just feel like I could just give up, shut my door turn off my phone and shut everyone out. And then I hope that those same people I shut out come and pick me up and fix everything for me.

But nobody’s coming… Nobody is going to come and finish all of the things that I’ve started. Nobody’s gonna come and clean my house. Nobody’s gonna come and take care of everything that I have taken responsibility for. Nobody is coming. And that is the scariest thing in the world to me that I’m almost 30 years old this year and I can’t tell you one thing that I have accomplished. The only reason I even wanna be here anymore is because I love my dog and my husband too much to be without them. Also, I know that my family loves me and they wouldn’t be OK if I weren’t here, or maybe they would. Maybe they’d be better off honestly. I mean, I really don’t feel like I deserve to be here. But I don’t wanna be gone.. I’m too selfish, and too much of a pussy to be able to do something permanent. Plus, if I have anything left — I still have hope. I really hope I can get it together. I really hope that I can find a meaning for life. I really hope I can learn to like myself. I really hope I don’t let everyone down. I really hope I can stop thinking the world revolves around me, realizing the last few sentences if not this entire thing I’ve written have started with “I”. I don’t know what to do. I wish someone had the answer and I wish that writing this wasn’t pointless. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it could be cathartic for me to write these. Idk, maybe I will or maybe I will give it up and leave it as trash for the internet to clean up for me like I do everything else.

“Wah wah, life is hard cry me a river.. right? I need to get over myself and shut the fuck up.”

That’s what I imagine anyone reading this is thinking. I’m sorry for wasting your time.

❦ͰꙖᎲᎧᎽ

--

--